"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through
another long answering machine message when you call me...

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her CD player, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets, 
furnace ducts and chimney are clean. They give to charity through the 
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave 
your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch
tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone
now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way
to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask
for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave
your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a
circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and
number, I'll be right with you.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message
and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your
name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang
on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)
OK, what would you like me to tell me?

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an
answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine... You hear a beep...

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal
Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh,
I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did
you say you live?

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how
this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a
call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play
my beep for you.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I
wake, Remember to erase the tape.

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little
beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like
this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5...4...3...2...1...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this...YOW!!

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