1stPerson:  "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:  "A little.  What's wrong?"  1st Person:  "Well, I sent a fax,
and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and
a blank page.  I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person:  "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person:  "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else
to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it
and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked.  She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery in this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery
for this remote thingy.", she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Tech Support:  "What does the screen say now."
Person:        "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:  "Well?"
Person:        "How do I know when it's ready?"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change
his address from Texas to Vermont.  The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was.  As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm
not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"  "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With
that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was working the help desk.  One day one of the computer operators called
me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the
openings of  her PC.  I asked her if this was something she was thinking of
doing. She  said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit
and paid her a visit.  I opened her CPU  case and sure enough, there was 40
cents.

One of our servers crashed.  I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it.  He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a
directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?"  I asked what he was talking about,
and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation
mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's
it!"

This person had a broken lamp that he wanted to discard. Unfortunately,
the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the
lamp while the cord was attached.  He decided to cut the cord, since the
lamp was unusable anyway.  He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found
him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."  I asked the
manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the cruise
control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.  The person who answered
said, "Bob is on vacation.  Would you like to hold?"

Sign in a gas station:  Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed
on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would
have it, they matched.

Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described
the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My boss said, "Really? Where
is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and
said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by
Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees." "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your
eyes."


Idiots in the Neighborhood:

I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road.
The reason:  Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them
to cross there.



Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"


Idiots Are Easy To Please:

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next
day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner became visibly
excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the amount of
daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.


Idiots In Food Services:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.


Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for
the holidays.  Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused,
thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's
how I always remember."  So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's
neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?"  My
co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only
works on even years."

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